Angry

The last time I posted a friend, as well as a paid professional both pointed out that I seemed more angry.  My reaction was pause and self reflection. Angry. Sad. Angry.

I have been more angry… angry in moments about being sick… angry that circumstances beyond my control—genetics— lead me down a path of an unknown degradation… sad that my heart aches every day…and full on anger that I don’t have more control over what is happening to my body..  

I sat with that for a while… and it’s hard to sit with.  I have always been able to put the pain aside…I’ve always channeled it through soccer, running, triathlon, swimming, biking, training, work, music, paddling, surfing… I’ve laughed long and hard into the night with friends… it was always deep inside… but not there enough for anyone to really point it out…

I’ve used to the last week or so to get to it…Are things challenging at times? YES! Has that changed? NO! Have I changed? Maybe… not sure… I’ve always been the “glass is half full” girl.. the “who the fuck cares how much pain I feel, let’s go for a hike!” … maybe because I’m cooped up during the cold cold months and not having sufficient iron makes me colder… maybe I’m really getting jaded and really tired of being sick… maybe I’ve come to truly understand what it means to live a life of chronic, painful illness and how that manifests with what I truly long for and desire… how it affects those around me… the ones I love….

I feel frightened.

I’m using time to regroup… what is the most important to me? was there beauty in my day? what was it? feel it all the way to my toes…

 

 

I have tremendous beauty in each of my days… I have this fluffy, smelly, wild Bella that melts my heart in almost every moment….(if you knew Bella you’d understand the almost every part).

I have a profound connection to words and lyrics and poetry and quotes and letters that enables me to relate to the world around me… and while feeling the depth of the pain… also feeling the far reaches of the beauty.

I have re-committed (to the best of my ability) to continue to choose the joy… while being aware of the pain and loneliness and soul ache… I choose the laughter and the tears… I choose the laughter… I choose the ass-kicking, taking names perseverance that has gotten me this far.

I choose to the the beautiful life I have been blessed with… I choose to surround myself with beautiful people and real people and people that will walk beside me when it gets dark…. and people who will listen to music long into the night and talk…

 

Today I am grateful… to sit where I sit… and feel what I feel.. and love who I love… and ache where I ache.  I am where I need to be (not always where I want to be) and only I can write the guide book for my own life…

Thank you, life, for taking be by the hand and leading me.

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