All In A Week’s Time

I’ve been sleeping better with an alternative medicine approach on deck… just not tonight…sometimes waking with racing thoughts, into and out of neuropathways…. I scream at my thoughts.. Shut the fuck up!! Sleep!! you need sleep!!!

So I get up and traverse the fourteen slippery wooden floors from the bedrooms to the living room… i put on the fireplace and breathe in the world… there is beauty to find in all circumstances… if you open your eyes wide enough…

Things in my life are far from perfect… I live with illness that doesn’t stop, and an inability to know where my north is at times… a darkness that settles into my bones and pulls the spirit out of me… but this week i reached weary arms out from deep inside the cocoon and found one pulling me up…

I am blessed. B. L. E. S. S. E D…. and not materially solely… I have food to eat…yes. A car to drive… yes.  A roof over my head…yes. Vacations.. yes. Maine… yes… but it goes so far beyond any of that… because really, in a heartbeat and without a thought I would give back all of it for my health… but I digress… I have love…I have paralyzingly clear moments of beauty pausing to take in the moon’s rise over the northeast… she lights up the path that I travel… weary for the wear, but still putting one foot in front of another…

I have people… I’m tough… I am fully aware of the barriers to true entry into my heart… I paint a Monet of life.. when I’m living a Dali… and I can roll with punches better than most… but the steel that i’ve built around my heart began to hurt me… a year ago or so I had a conversation with one of my dearest… and she called me out… “How can you call me a friend when you don’t let me in?” (there were tears…) but it was one of the most pivotal moments I’ve known… I crave connection, but I have to give you a glimpse of what there is to connect to… so I try.. this may never be something that I’m great at… but when those closest ask me how I am… I can tell them that life is fucking hard… or that I had a beautiful day and that there is integrity in each of those out looks.

so the people…I have friends that I love… two that know me better than I know myself… and I have few words to do justice to the beauty in that… imagine not having to speak? imagine those closest being able to look into your eyes and know you are experiencing ethereal joy? I have that…

Yesterday we had the birthday party of the not so littlest boy who is now 11.  He’s a very empathic introvert. He loves hard.  He chose a half dozen friends (and their siblings of course) to join us at a local trampoline park… These friends… are true friends. I am so proud of my son for understanding the power of human connection… laughter and silliness, so many little boys that don’t even have to speak to communicate as they travel in a herd between one area and another… parents that stay and join us… and quickly befriend one another in a way that is easy…

like a party of family… and knowing we are surrounded by valued people with tremendous integrity and depth… that’s a great day in my book.

So yeah,  amidst the chaos I build my temple of love, removing brick by brick, opening the essence of who my person is to the world…
Cheers!

Tara

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