Embracing the Darkness

For the past few months I have been experiencing ridiculous insomnia. Yesterday (Friday) morning I woke up at 1am (which really is technically, in my mind anyway is kind of still Thursday night sleeping time).

I was awake all night long and slept in the morning and then from 230ish-7pm last night in a nap kind of fashion because I was a lost cause (beck song reference) by the afternoon. 4.5 hours of sleep… while truly amazing, is a HORRID idea when you need to sleep 4 hours after you wake.

IN-FUCKING-SOMNIA. This is what my time had looked like for months… and it is hard but there are always lessons… you just have to look hard enough and they are there…

I have spent my night’s writing the in eerie silence of night’s cover.  I’ve come to appreciate the night’s sounds… a flickering fire, too long puppy nails sauntering around the upstairs… the tapping of my fingers against a not yet dirty, or sticky MacBook keyboard, my life sustaining music seducing me through too-big teal blue headphones… it’s beautiful…

It’s hard though… I wake in a panic, from a low blood sugar, or a high blood sugar, or the wind, or my pervasive dreams soaked in salty, stinging, sweat. .. my heart rate is well above 160… and the spinning of my mind starts… and I lay back down and breathe the yogic breath, I count sheep, I  pray on my Mala… I even close my eyes!!!!… and sleep hovers just outside my crusty eyed reach…

I follow the protocol developed… Lay for 20-30 minutes and see if I fall back asleep.  If I’m awake, I get up because (staying in your bed (sleeping area)) is not conducive to falling asleep if you aren’t able to.
I get up, do some laundry, wash the counters. empty the dishwasher and lay back down.  I wait another thirty minutes and I breathe the yogic breath, I count sheep, I  pray on my Mala… I even close my eyes– again…

AND

than I freak out about my to-do list (it’s really not that interesting) which always includes, be sure the alarm is on for 1:45pm in case I take a nap so I am awake to pick Alejandro up from school, Feed the fish and keep that damn fish alive, walk for gastric motility and exercise, my laundry, write, write, write…

My list is unimpressive, but when you are no longer apart of the 9-6 corporate world and have multiple co-morbidities, washing the whites and the sheets stands to be the highlight of ones week.  My favorite hour of the day is 2:20pm, when I pick up my giggly boy and we do homework, and play silliness and if its light enough out, he plays basketball and soccer.

I walk around target to feel among the “normals” out there running an random errand on a Tuesday.

Lately I’ve become an strangely introverted extrovert… I like people, and talking, and hugging and learning… but I long for the solitude of my mind…, which, ironically doesn’t really have a lot of solitude, I just long for it.

So I’m not sleeping… but its okay… i’m learning from the world around me and the ones i love

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *